I broke my ankle.

In a really stupid way. I'm not even going to tell you.

Haiku

I.

Why am I smiling

When all I feel inside is

a torrent of rain?

II.

A white egg hatches

To spill its contents into

the pain of the world

III.

Yesterday when you

murmured softly, I thought ... I

could almost love you.

Letter to Cao

After spending some time reaching inside my womanhood to find what was bothering me, I realized that I am angry and sad at Cao, my third cousin and former lover of 11 years. He died in 2004 and I have never really accepted that. I closed my eyes and scribbled a letter to him in the dark. Later, when I deciphered the mess, here is what came out:

I am so mad at you and I can’t even tell you, because I don’t know how to find you. Want to know why I am so mad? When I read your letters—yes, I have them, all of them, pictures too—I feel like I am right there with you, feeling everything you feel and wanting the same things. But then I realize that I am reading letters from 11 years ago, and that the you in those letters doesn’t even exist anymore. I’m sorry that I never came to see you in the hospital that last day, but I was afraid. Afraid of seeing you changed, weak. Afraid they would all know about us. We were going to be together forever, convince the world that our love was real. That was the plan. But that’s not what happened, is it? The fear, the dread that we both felt when we started, was justified. You changed and I changed, irrevocably, irreversibly, irretrievably. You filled your body and mind with poisons that changed you slowly from the you I used to know, until I didn’t recognize him anymore. I loved the old you. That you lies next to me at night and breathes my breath. That you visits me in dreams and questions me, loves me, implores me to see you with wide-open eyes and complete honesty. I feel like my eyes cannot see you anymore, not even in dreams, I don’t think we could even cross that chasm to meet. But our other, better selves are sharing space somewhere and having a great time. But I didn’t finish telling you why I am angry at you. Because we were supposed to grow together, not apart to the point where doors were shut & locked against each other. Where it was all just lies. I can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you don’t know my fears, my hopes, my pain, my joy. I can’t believe that I can never reach under your shirt and touch your hot, smooth skin. I can’t believe that we can never again walk in a rhododendron forest together at dusk. My need to connect with you is a raw and open wound, but I don’t know, if you came back somehow and we even spoke, that I would even know you or be able to get close to you. I think in our effort to mend aching hearts we built up barricades so high and thick that we shut each other out, by accident. Then before we could mend it, you were gone. But if you are somehow reading this from beyond the grave, I want you to know that I have not forgotten, and if you were brave enough to reach across, I would make the leap to know you again. What I thought was commonplace, I realize now, was to happen but once in a lifetime.

32 13 questions you want answers for.

I saw this fun thing when Green did it, so I am doing it too! I hope that by doing these sorts of things I can explore what makes me tick. I think I lost sense of who I was long ago, and I am trying to get back. I hope this helps!

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
I want it to be my third cousin Cao, but he will never call again.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
The place where I shop doesn't have carts; it is a small market with baskets, and you leave with only as much as you can carry. I almost rarely drive to the grocery store. I think if it had carts, I would return it, just because I am not gross. At least, I don't think I am.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
I am definately more of a listener. I like to hear people's stories and find out what makes them tick. Once I start talking, I sort of lose track of what I was saying and then people stop listening to me.

4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Probably not, because I don't know how to do a lot of things, but then again I do have a strong spirit. I don't think I would eat my poop, like some people, but you never know.

5. Do you like to ride horses?
I never have, but I like the merry-go-round ones. They are so pretty!

6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, the Viet Namese- American community in San Diego has a camp where kids go every summer. It lasted all summer and sometimes even after school started, and I would start school late. I usually spent half my summer with my Popo (grandmother) and half at camp.

7. What was your favorite board game as a kid?
I don't know what type of game a "board" game is. I never really played with boards. But I jumped rope!

8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was taken what would you do?
This is a really silly question.

9. Are you judgemental?
I don't think so, but sometimes I have been told that I am, by a few people who are sort of stupid and don't know what they are talking about. I guess everybody is, in some ways.

10. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Heavens no! But I can throw a dart really well!

11. If your house was on fire, what’s the first thing you’d grab? Probably my photo album and a porcelain duck that I have had since I was little.

12. How often do you read books? Whenever I have time, but I read very slowly. Right now I am reading a great book called Eat Pray Love, which is a spiritual journey.

13. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
I think I am definately more stuck in the past. Of course I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. For "today" I just think about what I have to get done.

14. What is your favorite children’s book?

15. How tall are you?

16. What are the keys on your key chain for?

17. What did you do last night?

18. What movie do you want to see right now?

19. What will you do for New Year’s?

20. Do you own a camera phone?

21. What’s the first letter of your middle name?

22. How many hours of sleep do you get at night?

23. What do you sleep in?

24. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?

25. Is your tongue pierced?

26. Who is the funniest person you know?

27. Do you like funny or serious people better?

28. Did you eat a cookie today?

29. Do you use cuss words in other languages?

30. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?

31. Is your cell phone usually on Vibrate or ring?

32. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend?

I am tired of this activity. Also, it is making me sort of sad inside, for some reason. I don't know why. I need to spend some time alone with these unusual feelings and explore them. I am going to touch my insides with my fingers and dig deep to find out what is going on. This will take some time, because I really don't understand what is going on with me. I will answer the rest another day.

Today I am just plain tired.

I find as I get older that my body gets much more tired than it should doing ordinary things, like a huge housecleaning or a trip to the mall. It just wipes me out! I think I should try to stretch or something so that I will be more flexible.

I am a little sad that I made some new "friends" here on the blog, and now they seem to be gone.

I need something to entertain me, but I don't know what.

Maybe I'll start baking every day.

Window into Tuyet

If you would like to spread me apart and peek inside, try this. It is called a "Johari Window", and it is where you can reveal your thoughts about my personality, and therefore learn something about myself also. Please be nice, but honest!

Tuyet Phuong

ps. I am not telling where I got this, because I am not linking to anyone right now until things "calm down". But I got it from another blogger, who shall remain name less.

To be as a nest, and egg, a fuzzy headed chick

This day, today of all days
finally
I rose with the sun and then
and then
I peeped out at the world.

There I saw love to be had,
and fresh water
and drops of dew,
and a butterfly to feed my soul.

Where in my little nest
is there room
for hatred, anger, and bitterness?
For conflict, for loathing?
What wee bird would open her gullet and receive such a poisonous morsel?

Not this one.

Nay, not this one.

This little bird cleans out her nest.
yea, she takes out the trash.
And when it is all clean, she stands on the edge,
opens her new little wings

And flies out into the world.

That was too close for comfort.

I've been in Phoenix the last 2 days visiting my older sister Qui, who was having a bizarre type of swelling in her mouth and throat and guess what she is allergic to shellfish! We have been eating seafood literally all our lives and suddenly she is allergic?!? My mother thinks it is because Qui had a virus earlier this spring and maybe it effected her immune system so that now she is allergic suddenly. Anyhow, she is fine, and she is home, but she is supposed to rest and not eat certain foods while they figure out what else she is allergic to. So no eggs, dairy, wheat, nuts, or fresh fruit. That doesn't leave much!

I had a terrible moment when I got the call from my mother that Qui was in the emergency room, and I was afraid I was going to lose her. We aren't extremely close, she is 15 years older than me, but she has always been there and is more like a mom or an aunt or a really close first or second cousin to me. Or a nice neighbor, or maybe a babysitter I had long ago. Or a teacher. Just imagining her in medical distress gives me an upsetness in my soul!

As I was flying home I decided that I am going to really try to be a better person all around, starting by being more active in my community and by reaching out to others more. Also, I am going to do like some people said and "rise above" people who might be trying to tear me down, and also people who make me feel bad and try to sprinkle their bad ideas in my head. I don't need that, I am too busy living and caring for others.

I hope tomorrow is better. I am exhausted!

On a happier note, I got Simsonized:

I don't watch this show because I don't really like cartoons, but I did get a makeover. I like my new hair do.

The sweet taste of freedom.

Yesterday was a really good day in my womanhood journey. I learned to make some cupcakes. I bought this really good mix, and you should try it if you ever want to make really delicious cakes.

When I broke the egg, its little yolk broke in my hand (see yesterday's haiku). I felt like the egg was me.

I made them all by myself, and I smeared them with frosting from the jar. I love baking, I always have. I usually make cookies, the kind that come in a tube where you scoop out the dough. Sometimes I just eat the dough! I also like to make bread out of the pizza dough you can buy. One of these days I am going to buy a mixer and make something entirely from thatch!

I ran out of milk, so I didn't have the big glass out on my porch, and plus it was drizzling yesterday. I just ate one in my kitchen, and it tasted fantastic. It tasted like a woman!!!

Haiku

Oh tender wee egg
I wish you could have kept it
for yourself. Your yolk.

I am woman. Hear me roar!

Yes, the Non La is part of my culture, thank you very much!!!

Lately I've been feeling disconnected from myself, like maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere. I have been seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places (just like the song ...). I started this blog so I could get to know myself, and I want to return to those roots. Lately, it became important to me to "connect" with other bloggers and since the time I started doing that, it has brought me an intense mixture of happiness and sadness. Like a bowl of mixed fruit, where some of the fruits are wormy and some are juicy and delicious. I have met some amazing people, but I have also opened myself up to some "characters" who think they are either (1) funny or (2) just ignorant. I have to remember who I am and why I started this blog in the first place!

Like the amazing phoenix, I am a bird. A bird on fire. The fire of life!!! I want to rise from the flames of the bad things that have "happened" in my life and not let the flames engulf me with their bad karma. I am going to become the woman I have always dreamed of becoming, like an oak tree, growing from an acorn! I am going to drift on this river of life, and not allow the droplets of other people's bad thoughts get me so wet. I want to dip my oar into the shallow waves of the people who support me, and use them to push off of as I take this journey of self-discovery! Like the innocent new fish that hatch beneath the waves, I am going to swim along and avoid the "big mouths" that surround me and try to take bites out of me.

Today, to help myself get out of this bad feeling I have, I am going to go to Target and buy all new cookware. I am going to learn how to make cupcakes. I'm starting with a box recipe, because I'm not a very good cook, and I don't want to mess it up. I think I just have to add milk and eggs or something. Then I'm going to frost them all and sit down on my porch and eat them with all of the excitement and enjoyment that I can think of. And a big glass of milk.

Each day, I'm going to force myself to do something like that so that I come out of my shell, the shell of my discontent. Then I will "awaken" inside and not be so afraid anymore.

As for commenters, you can support me or not. But I would like it if you must comment on my blog, you keep it "clean" and also don't be mean. I don't have time to be made wet by you, I have a life to live here. But say whatever you want, because you can't hurt me. I am a roaring woman, roaring too loud to hear you.

Thanks for coming by!

I have cramps.

Okay, I thought I was finished with all my menses, and all of a sudden, "boom", there is it again! Men just don't understand what it is like. I am going to take some Midol and lie down. :(

The time challenge

I borrowed this fun idea to post an old picture and a new picture of yourself. If you want to see who's idea it was, go here and here.

I'm very close with my family, though I don't speak of them often.

Here's a picture of me being carried by my older sister Phuong Qui in our old home in Cu Da. I am 7 months old. Qui is almost 60 and lives in Phoenix with her two adopted daughters and a bird named Moo.

Here I am with my grandmother (Popo) and parents, about 9-10 years ago. My Popo died about a year after this photo was taken. My parents are both still alive but my father is very ill with emphysema and a mysterious neurological disorder, possibly caused by some sort of poison that he was exposed to as a young man.

Here I am with my boyfriend and third cousin Cao, also about 9-10 years ago. He died of a massive hemorrhage after oral surgery in 2004.

Reaching Out

I realized no one is ever going to read my blog unless I reach out. So starting today I am going to travel to other blogs and read what they have to say, and maybe leave a comment. It is time to come out of my shell! I'm going to start by visiting people who have the same interests as I do.

I am an opening flower

Today I feel like I am beginning to awaken, like the beautiful flower that I know that I am. Here is a poem I wrote while I was waiting in line at the Motor Vehicles Department:


trace your finger
on my palm
and tell me what you see

do i have a life
a life
a life line?

do i have a love
a love
a love line?

do i have a fortune
a loss
a wisdom
line?

or am i just a hand
held over a heart
that broke to soon?