I need to "get over my hangups".

Part of my journey into my womanhood is learning to get over the fear of my own body. I think my fear stems from the upbringing of my culture and that I always was subservient to the wishes of my Popo and my Pipi when I lived with them. These would be my grandparents. Whatever Pipi wanted, Popo and I would do. Then Popo would boss me around as a way of feeling better about her own self. Who did I boss around? the dustrag and a can of Pledge. Sometimes a dishrag, just to mix it up.

When I got my first period, I thought I was dying and I went to the school nurse in hysterics. She couldn't calm me down so I was taken to the emergency room and given a Lorazipam. Later she gave me this book so that I could learn about the changes my body was going through. I was a late bloomer, so it may have looked a little strange to be reading about my body at age 16, but I didn't care, it was fascinating! I still have the book and have been reading it a lot lately.

When I got together with Cao, we tried some of the different things that men and women try to do together using their bodies. We had a lot of fun, but it was never as "great" for me as it said in the book. Some time I will tell the story of Cao and the things we did. If I ever fall in love again, I would like to try those things again. But I don't know how that is going to happen; I don't have any more male cousins and I sure as heck arent' doing that with the girls!!!

Yesterday I got a mirror and spent about 20 minutes looking at my vulva. I have never done that before! I had the book open to the page where there is a diagram. I learned the names of all the parts and then quizzed myself. It was fun and informative! Except that afterwards, my hip joints hurt from sitting like that so I had to get in the tub.

Thanks for all your advice!

Okay so I did something really brave & different.

My friend Pam has these parties on weekends sometimes, they are called Cuddle Parties. They are like a slumber party for grownups, and first she sends you some paperwork on it to explain that it is a party for adults who want to cuddle. I guess that is why it is called an Adult Cuddle Party, maybe? I don't know. Anyhow, you can read about them here and learn if you want to have one. CuddleParty.com can help you plan it!

If you ask me, I strongly recommend it!

First of all, there are rules:

1. Everyone wears regular clothes or pajamas, no lingerie and no nudity. The whole time.




2. Everyone has to come at the same time. It started promptly at 7 pm and after that no one is let in. Otherwise it is, like, awkward for the cuddlers.




3. Nobody jokes about sex or says things that are suggestive, like "ooh, is that your pee pee pushing on my butt"? Even if it is (which totally does happen, you are cuddling after all!), you don't say it!




4. Ask permission to pet or stroke someone. You can say no; you can change your mind also.




5. No eating of any kind. Only afterwards!




6. No bodily noises. Excuse yourself if needed.




7. Laughter and some tickling is encouraged!




8. Also, crying.




9. Tell the Cuddle Guard if anything strange is seen or felt.




10. What happens at Cuddle Party, stays at Cuddle Party.

So, we all got on the floor and at first it was really weird, and nobody was touching, but soon some people started spooning and pretty soon everybody was lying around, on top of each other, next to, heads on each other's bellies, etc. Here are some pictures that Drew (Pam's boyfriend) took:

(printed with permission of participants)

It was really fun! At first I was really shy but pretty soon I was spooning with Pam and my neighbor Leslie, and we had like 3-woman sandwich on the floor. At one point Leslie, or maybe Pam even had her hands really close to my breasts, and I didn't even mind that. You just let go and enjoy being physical with people you hardly know!

At the end you got to sign up to host the next cuddle party and I didn't sign up but I took a card and I will think about it! It helped me feel less lonely and also maybe will ease me back into human contact. I haven't touched another human being in a really long time! Weird how that happens. Next thing you know 3 years have gone by and you have forgotten that other people are warm and soft, just like you.

Hope you don't think I'm weird and you learned something today. Even if you think I'm weird, I don't care, because I got snuggled on both sides by two of my best girlfriends! And you didn't.