All this time I've been trying to grow spiritually and get in touch with the insides of my womanhood, but really what I feel is that I am carrying a giant secret around. It is locked up inside me and it is writhing around like a giant snake inside my pants. An enormous trouser snake, just coiled around me so I can't breathe and threatening to bite the life out of me.I have to share it or I will go mad!
Long ago I fell in love, I fell so hard. his name was Cao, and he was my third cousin. We weren't technically related, because he was my mom's niece by marriage's son, except by chance both his parents were related to my mom by blood, so I guess technically he & I shared some bodily fluids. But not enough to matter by law or anything, only maybe if we had kids. But that will never happen, because he died.
I killed him.
Just let that sink in for a minute.
Technically, I didn't actually take his life, but I was an accomplish. You see, I never liked his teeth. Ever since he left Viet Nam he had such bad teeth; many of them had fallen out and he just had cavity after cavity. The front looked fine, but except for 4-5 teeth on the top and bottom, from there on back it was a black mess. He was so handsome and fit and we were such a happy couple (see picture here). I loved him. I was very attracted to him, except I didn't really want his mouth near me too much, because his teeth sort of smelled. I feel so bad saying that! Because I really did love him! I just felt he needed some help. And his mouth was ugly.
So I convinced him to get his teeth fixed, and one dentist visit turned into another and soon he was scheduled for pretty major procedures. He went into oral surgery one day and never came out. He suffered a massive hemorrhage and organ failure and died on the table. As it turned out, his liver really couldn't handle surgery like that. This was in 2004.
I never told a soul that I was actually responsible. Because I didn't really want his teeth fixed for his own health, it was my own vanity.
Do you see now why I walk around like an empty shell? What sort of woman puts her vain needs above a man's life?
How can I ever look at myself in the mirror, knowing that what mattered most to me was that people might think I was gross for loving someone with bad teeth?!?!?!?!
I beg God for forgiveness, but since I don't actually really believe in God, I guess he isn't going to ease my pain. I just wish I could forgive myself.
Strangely, I feel better just saying the words aloud.
I killed a man. I killed a man I loved, because I thought his smile was scary.
Yup, that's who's blog your reading.
11 comments:
Speaking of trouser snakes...
In your next life you will be born with no teeth and there will be nothing to eat but gristly steak and there will be no untensils to eat with.
How do you like that you Buddhist bitch.
You didn't kill him. His bad smile did. And his mean faulty liver. It is not your fault he had a bad liver and bad teeth. Both would have killed him eventually.
He's really dead because of his teeth. If it weren't for you, he might have died by getting beaten up in an alley by thugs who were offended by his teeth.
So don't let that get you down. There is no excuse for terrible teeth. Everyone should look their best because no one needs to be ugly anymore.
What sort of woman puts her vain needs above a man's life?
Every.single.woman.I.know.
You didn't kill Cao. You were helping him. Nobody likes bad teeth. (except for the English)
P.S. You and Cao look darling on his motorcycle!
Look hon, yes, in part you were vain, but who isn't in their own ways?
And he did need to get his teeth fixed, or at least pulled, sick teeth poisons a body.
He had problems you knew nothing about, so why take the blame?
Look hon, life is risky, a truck could have run over him. We just don't know what is going to happen to us from one moment to the next.
Life is uncertain, eat dessert first, and love now because there may not be a tomorrow for you.
I've seen lovers living on the streets, so try to not be too vain, you will miss a lot of love that way. Hugs.
Amber, he didn't have a bad smile, he had bad teeth.
Amber...
"There is no excuse for terrible teeth. Everyone should look their best because no one needs to be ugly anymore."
Are you aware that 30 thousand people die of starvation everyday because they are in war zones or can't get employment or grow enough food. My dear, you are either very vain, or very stupid.
Maybe both, I suggest that you go look in a mirror.
Tuyet, You did not kill him. He needed to get his teeth fixed; whatever your motive, you wanted him to get his teeth fixed. Life goes on, my friend and so must you. You deserve a life that is guilt free. Make your life the best you can, without guilt.
J
Tuyet, it was his decision to get his teeth fixed, not yours. You weren't responsible for his life, or what he did with it, or how he died. But I wonder why the dentist didn't find out about his medical condition before embarking on the treatment? If he didn't know, how could you expect to? This wasn't your fault.
Tuyet, are you okay? You haven't posted in awhile and I am concerned about you.
J
I told you Slappy White was more popular than Nipsey Russell.
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