Saturday, January 17, 2009
So many things have changed since I took a long step away. I realized that I don't need to have a baby, be a clown, cut my hair, color my hair, or know the detailed workings of my female vaginal anatomy to truly know peace and to be happy with myself. All I have to do is live, and forgive, and be Okay with every day. And that is all!
Now then. How are you all? Just because I don't define myself by my readers, I still am so very curious.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I did some remodeling of the house and the ol' hairstyle.
Oh, I got a tatoo. I'll show it later. it has too much green and I need to make it look a little better. Hint: there's bamboo. Can you guess what it is? Take the poll if you are wondering.
Also, I am finally 100% familiar with my female anatomy, because I took a class, and maybe I will become a midwife. Or possibly a Pilates instructor. Or maybe a policewoman. I'll decide someday.
For now, I'm just going to paint my toenails and try this bag of lemon cookies. That'll have to be good enough.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I have to share it or I will go mad!
Long ago I fell in love, I fell so hard. his name was Cao, and he was my third cousin. We weren't technically related, because he was my mom's niece by marriage's son, except by chance both his parents were related to my mom by blood, so I guess technically he & I shared some bodily fluids. But not enough to matter by law or anything, only maybe if we had kids. But that will never happen, because he died.
I killed him.
Just let that sink in for a minute.
Technically, I didn't actually take his life, but I was an accomplish. You see, I never liked his teeth. Ever since he left Viet Nam he had such bad teeth; many of them had fallen out and he just had cavity after cavity. The front looked fine, but except for 4-5 teeth on the top and bottom, from there on back it was a black mess. He was so handsome and fit and we were such a happy couple (see picture here). I loved him. I was very attracted to him, except I didn't really want his mouth near me too much, because his teeth sort of smelled. I feel so bad saying that! Because I really did love him! I just felt he needed some help. And his mouth was ugly.
So I convinced him to get his teeth fixed, and one dentist visit turned into another and soon he was scheduled for pretty major procedures. He went into oral surgery one day and never came out. He suffered a massive hemorrhage and organ failure and died on the table. As it turned out, his liver really couldn't handle surgery like that. This was in 2004.
I never told a soul that I was actually responsible. Because I didn't really want his teeth fixed for his own health, it was my own vanity.
Do you see now why I walk around like an empty shell? What sort of woman puts her vain needs above a man's life?
How can I ever look at myself in the mirror, knowing that what mattered most to me was that people might think I was gross for loving someone with bad teeth?!?!?!?!
I beg God for forgiveness, but since I don't actually really believe in God, I guess he isn't going to ease my pain. I just wish I could forgive myself.
Strangely, I feel better just saying the words aloud.
I killed a man. I killed a man I loved, because I thought his smile was scary.
Yup, that's who's blog your reading.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Hate both myself for the lie,
and the lie itself.
Tomorrow I have to confess something, but I am afraid to do it. Afraid of what it might mean. But I will never get better unless I unload this dark serpent from my spirit hole.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I've been pretty unhappy with the way my clown business is going, and I am stressed out at work so I have been devoting all my free time to my yoga practice. I can't deal with anything right now. I think I am headed for a major spiritual crisis if I don't find a path that works for me pretty soon. I keep looking for joy outside myself, but I am starting to realize it must come from within. But what if my within is empty?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I guess my question would be, how do I ease kids into clownage? Because I am not giving up on this dream!
Also, I found an angry clown who could use some help. I need to cheer him up!
I still haven't found a good name yet, so I have been using Lulu the Lighthearted Clown. I think it pretty much sucks as a name.
I did practice some balloon animals, and here is one of my successes:
Keep your fingers crossed for my new career!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
I'm going to the costume shop today and getting some basic supplies. If they are open, I don't know. I am going to practice face painting on some old pillowcases I have. Then I am going to the library to get some books on clown skills, because I don't have any. Here are the things I could do already, in my act:
- Face painting (if the pillowcases work out)
- Spin Art
- making funny gestures
- doing a silly voice
- balloons (regular ones, I can't do animals yet)
As you can see, there is room for growth!
You might be wondering why this sudden interest in clowns! Well, I heard about a local clown named "Looney Dooney" on the radio and supposedly he was a huge hit at this festival. I know that in a week I have to go to my cousin's little baby's birthday party (she is 3) and not only can't I think of a present, but also I want to bring something fun to the party.
Why not bring me, as a clown?
Now I just need some names. Help me out will ya?
- Tuyet the clown
- White Phoenix the clown
- the Viet Namese clown
- Yellow Flower Clown
- Herro, I am a Crown
- Danh Tu
- Silly Sally
- Sirry Sarry
Wow, I can't think of anything good. Help a sister out, yo! (That's slang)
I'll let you know how it goes... I am starting to feel not so excited about this idea anymore.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Golden, crispy piece of toast...
Now, I feed myself.
Oh wonderful rose
Opening, and curling out
My body, my soul.
I don't do laundry.
I am not from Hawai'i.
I'm from Viet Nam.
In my spirit hole
A ghost, needing transport, rides
in a wheelbarrow.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
I need to listen to my inner voice. My inner child, if you will.
And my inner child is saying "Tuyet, cut the crap."
So today, instead of reading Woman Power stuff on the Internet, and wondering if maybe I should be a Wiccan, and reading about Goddess Worship and Menstrual Blood Rituals and all that stuff, I just went for a walk at the local bird sanctuary.
Here is what I saw:
The simple feathery beauty of their little heads made me happy.
I think happiness will be just as simple as that. I'm not going to find it in strange rituals, or Spin Art, or in some woman teaching me about my "pleasure centers". I'm going to see it in the simple beauty that is all around me.
Hey, I think I might be growing!
But I did like that Spin Art. I might do that one again.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
|You Are a Blue Crayon|
Your world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors.
You are a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find.
On the inside, you tend to be emotional and even a bit moody.
However, you know that people depend on you. So you put on a strong front.
Your color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
On another note! I learned a form of art called "Spin Art". It is where you have this giant tub with a spinning mechanism, and you drop paint onto the canvas as it spins. It makes beautiful paintings! Here are a few of my creations!
I had a really good time at WomanCamp, and I can't wait to go back. Meanwhile, I am going to try to express my artistic side, and maybe change my phone number so that Justine can't keep calling me.
Friday, September 7, 2007
When I got my first period, I thought I was dying and I went to the school nurse in hysterics. She couldn't calm me down so I was taken to the emergency room and given a Lorazipam. Later she gave me this book so that I could learn about the changes my body was going through. I was a late bloomer, so it may have looked a little strange to be reading about my body at age 16, but I didn't care, it was fascinating! I still have the book and have been reading it a lot lately.
When I got together with Cao, we tried some of the different things that men and women try to do together using their bodies. We had a lot of fun, but it was never as "great" for me as it said in the book. Some time I will tell the story of Cao and the things we did. If I ever fall in love again, I would like to try those things again. But I don't know how that is going to happen; I don't have any more male cousins and I sure as heck arent' doing that with the girls!!!
Yesterday I got a mirror and spent about 20 minutes looking at my vulva. I have never done that before! I had the book open to the page where there is a diagram. I learned the names of all the parts and then quizzed myself. It was fun and informative! Except that afterwards, my hip joints hurt from sitting like that so I had to get in the tub.
Thanks for all your advice!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
If you ask me, I strongly recommend it!
First of all, there are rules:
- Everyone wears regular clothes or pajamas, no lingerie and no nudity. The whole time.
- Everyone has to come at the same time. It started promptly at 7 pm and after that no one is let in. Otherwise it is, like, awkward for the cuddlers.
- Nobody jokes about sex or says things that are suggestive, like "ooh, is that your pee pee pushing on my butt"? Even if it is (which totally does happen, you are cuddling after all!), you don't say it!
- Ask permission to pet or stroke someone. You can say no; you can change your mind also.
- No eating of any kind. Only afterwards!
- No bodily noises. Excuse yourself if needed.
- Laughter and some tickling is encouraged!
- Also, crying.
- Tell the Cuddle Guard if anything strange is seen or felt.
- What happens at Cuddle Party, stays at Cuddle Party.
So, we all got on the floor and at first it was really weird, and nobody was touching, but soon some people started spooning and pretty soon everybody was lying around, on top of each other, next to, heads on each other's bellies, etc. Here are some pictures that Drew (Pam's boyfriend) took:
(printed with permission of participants)
It was really fun! At first I was really shy but pretty soon I was spooning with Pam and my neighbor Leslie, and we had like 3-woman sandwich on the floor. At one point Leslie, or maybe Pam even had her hands really close to my breasts, and I didn't even mind that. You just let go and enjoy being physical with people you hardly know!
At the end you got to sign up to host the next cuddle party and I didn't sign up but I took a card and I will think about it! It helped me feel less lonely and also maybe will ease me back into human contact. I haven't touched another human being in a really long time! Weird how that happens. Next thing you know 3 years have gone by and you have forgotten that other people are warm and soft, just like you.
Hope you don't think I'm weird and you learned something today. Even if you think I'm weird, I don't care, because I got snuggled on both sides by two of my best girlfriends! And you didn't.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
1. I finally packed away all of the pictures and letters that I have of Cao (my third cousin and former lover) and put them into a place where I cannot access them. They've been sitting out on the table beside my bed since his death in 2004. I didn't burn them, because it is never smart to "destroy history", but I did put them inside a shoe box under my bed, so that I would have to work a little harder to get at them. It's a Queen Size bed and I am 4'9" tall, so it's not easy to reach!!!
2. I sat down with my mother and talked to her about how her "cold" disposition towards me in my childhood years has contributed to my doubt that anyone could ever love me, and to feel "out of touch" with my own body and emotions. I tried to do it in a non-blaming way the way Dr. Schieff (the therapist who is slowly guiding himself into my womanhood and taking me with him) told me to. It turned into a very close conversation in which she shared that her father (my Pipi) was cruel to her when she was a child in Viet Nam, while he loved his sons with devotion. By the end of our conversation we were both crying and hugging. I think this was a big step for us!
In other news, I am going to make banana bread! Also, I am getting my haircut.
Thanks for stopping by!
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Okay, so here is how I did the stupid thing. I have been trying to get in touch with my inner child, T.A.P. (Tuyet Ai Phuong --- Turning a Page --- thanks, BBC -- although the first thing that came to mind was Take a Piss). So the other day I was at the elementary school on my street, where there is a playground, with my friend Madu and her baby son, Ussi. Ussi was playing on the jungle gym and I started thinking about how he is really in touch with his inner child, which is really "enlightened" for a kid who is only four. Most people don't even know they have an inner child, and there he was, acting like one! If a four year old can be that evolved, god damn if I sit on my 45-year-old ass and let life pass me by! (Sorry for swearing, but I am trying to "free" myself by cussing when I feel like it. One of these days I might even say the "F-word" and give myself a "breast self exam" if I could get over the fear of my own body! But I am off track, sorry).
So, since Ussi was on the jungle gym, I decided to join him so I was running and jumping and climbing, and sliding on the slide, which was actually very dry and non-slippery and gave me sort of a "road rash" on the backs of my thighs, and I had to put ointment. Then I climbed this sort of geodesic dome thing and was hanging from the bars of it and swinging, and when I let go to "dismount" I heard/felt a "snap" and then my ankle started to burn. Damn! (sorry)
Madu took me to the ER where I had to wait like 3 hours for an xray and it turned out the bottom of my "tibula", or whatever the bigger bone in the leg is called, has a crack. Not a big crack, but still a crack.
So now I have a cast that looks like bubble wrap and crutches so I don't put too much weight on the ankle, and getting to-from work has been a real "hassle", and I have been so tired.
I will update again soon, like after I write thank-you cards for all the fun little presents I have been getting. Like cards and chocolate, which I already mentioned, and mail, which the mailman brought up to my house instead of leaving down in the box, and a cushion so I could elevate from the lady who shares my cubicle at work (Camilla or Clitella or something, I don't know, she is new.) Everyone is so nice!!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
I am so mad at you and I can’t even tell you, because I don’t know how to find you. Want to know why I am so mad? When I read your letters—yes, I have them, all of them, pictures too—I feel like I am right there with you, feeling everything you feel and wanting the same things. But then I realize that I am reading letters from 11 years ago, and that the you in those letters doesn’t even exist anymore. I’m sorry that I never came to see you in the hospital that last day, but I was afraid. Afraid of seeing you changed, weak. Afraid they would all know about us. We were going to be together forever, convince the world that our love was real. That was the plan. But that’s not what happened, is it? The fear, the dread that we both felt when we started, was justified. You changed and I changed, irrevocably, irreversibly, irretrievably. You filled your body and mind with poisons that changed you slowly from the you I used to know, until I didn’t recognize him anymore. I loved the old you. That you lies next to me at night and breathes my breath. That you visits me in dreams and questions me, loves me, implores me to see you with wide-open eyes and complete honesty. I feel like my eyes cannot see you anymore, not even in dreams, I don’t think we could even cross that chasm to meet. But our other, better selves are sharing space somewhere and having a great time. But I didn’t finish telling you why I am angry at you. Because we were supposed to grow together, not apart to the point where doors were shut & locked against each other. Where it was all just lies. I can’t believe you left me. I can’t believe you don’t know my fears, my hopes, my pain, my joy. I can’t believe that I can never reach under your shirt and touch your hot, smooth skin. I can’t believe that we can never again walk in a rhododendron forest together at dusk. My need to connect with you is a raw and open wound, but I don’t know, if you came back somehow and we even spoke, that I would even know you or be able to get close to you. I think in our effort to mend aching hearts we built up barricades so high and thick that we shut each other out, by accident. Then before we could mend it, you were gone. But if you are somehow reading this from beyond the grave, I want you to know that I have not forgotten, and if you were brave enough to reach across, I would make the leap to know you again. What I thought was commonplace, I realize now, was to happen but once in a lifetime.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
I want it to be my third cousin Cao, but he will never call again.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
The place where I shop doesn't have carts; it is a small market with baskets, and you leave with only as much as you can carry. I almost rarely drive to the grocery store. I think if it had carts, I would return it, just because I am not gross. At least, I don't think I am.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
I am definately more of a listener. I like to hear people's stories and find out what makes them tick. Once I start talking, I sort of lose track of what I was saying and then people stop listening to me.
4. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
Probably not, because I don't know how to do a lot of things, but then again I do have a strong spirit. I don't think I would eat my poop, like some people, but you never know.
5. Do you like to ride horses?
I never have, but I like the merry-go-round ones. They are so pretty!
6. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, the Viet Namese- American community in San Diego has a camp where kids go every summer. It lasted all summer and sometimes even after school started, and I would start school late. I usually spent half my summer with my Popo (grandmother) and half at camp.
7. What was your favorite board game as a kid?
I don't know what type of game a "board" game is. I never really played with boards. But I jumped rope!
8. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was taken what would you do?
This is a really silly question.
9. Are you judgemental?
I don't think so, but sometimes I have been told that I am, by a few people who are sort of stupid and don't know what they are talking about. I guess everybody is, in some ways.
10. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Heavens no! But I can throw a dart really well!
11. If your house was on fire, what’s the first thing you’d grab? Probably my photo album and a porcelain duck that I have had since I was little.
12. How often do you read books? Whenever I have time, but I read very slowly. Right now I am reading a great book called Eat Pray Love, which is a spiritual journey.
13. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
I think I am definately more stuck in the past. Of course I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. For "today" I just think about what I have to get done.
14. What is your favorite children’s book?
15. How tall are you?
16. What are the keys on your key chain for?
17. What did you do last night?
18. What movie do you want to see right now?
19. What will you do for New Year’s?
20. Do you own a camera phone?
21. What’s the first letter of your middle name?
22. How many hours of sleep do you get at night?
23. What do you sleep in?
24. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
25. Is your tongue pierced?
26. Who is the funniest person you know?
27. Do you like funny or serious people better?
28. Did you eat a cookie today?
29. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
30. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
31. Is your cell phone usually on Vibrate or ring?
32. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I am tired of this activity. Also, it is making me sort of sad inside, for some reason. I don't know why. I need to spend some time alone with these unusual feelings and explore them. I am going to touch my insides with my fingers and dig deep to find out what is going on. This will take some time, because I really don't understand what is going on with me. I will answer the rest another day.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I am a little sad that I made some new "friends" here on the blog, and now they seem to be gone.
I need something to entertain me, but I don't know what.
Maybe I'll start baking every day.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
ps. I am not telling where I got this, because I am not linking to anyone right now until things "calm down". But I got it from another blogger, who shall remain name less.
I rose with the sun and then
I peeped out at the world.
There I saw love to be had,
and fresh water
and drops of dew,
and a butterfly to feed my soul.
Where in my little nest
is there room
for hatred, anger, and bitterness?
For conflict, for loathing?
What wee bird would open her gullet and receive such a poisonous morsel?
Not this one.
Nay, not this one.
This little bird cleans out her nest.
yea, she takes out the trash.
And when it is all clean, she stands on the edge,
opens her new little wings
And flies out into the world.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I had a terrible moment when I got the call from my mother that Qui was in the emergency room, and I was afraid I was going to lose her. We aren't extremely close, she is 15 years older than me, but she has always been there and is more like a mom or an aunt or a really close first or second cousin to me. Or a nice neighbor, or maybe a babysitter I had long ago. Or a teacher. Just imagining her in medical distress gives me an upsetness in my soul!
As I was flying home I decided that I am going to really try to be a better person all around, starting by being more active in my community and by reaching out to others more. Also, I am going to do like some people said and "rise above" people who might be trying to tear me down, and also people who make me feel bad and try to sprinkle their bad ideas in my head. I don't need that, I am too busy living and caring for others.
I hope tomorrow is better. I am exhausted!
On a happier note, I got Simsonized:
I don't watch this show because I don't really like cartoons, but I did get a makeover. I like my new hair do.
Monday, August 20, 2007
When I broke the egg, its little yolk broke in my hand (see yesterday's haiku). I felt like the egg was me.
I made them all by myself, and I smeared them with frosting from the jar. I love baking, I always have. I usually make cookies, the kind that come in a tube where you scoop out the dough. Sometimes I just eat the dough! I also like to make bread out of the pizza dough you can buy. One of these days I am going to buy a mixer and make something entirely from thatch!
I ran out of milk, so I didn't have the big glass out on my porch, and plus it was drizzling yesterday. I just ate one in my kitchen, and it tasted fantastic. It tasted like a woman!!!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Lately I've been feeling disconnected from myself, like maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere. I have been seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places (just like the song ...). I started this blog so I could get to know myself, and I want to return to those roots. Lately, it became important to me to "connect" with other bloggers and since the time I started doing that, it has brought me an intense mixture of happiness and sadness. Like a bowl of mixed fruit, where some of the fruits are wormy and some are juicy and delicious. I have met some amazing people, but I have also opened myself up to some "characters" who think they are either (1) funny or (2) just ignorant. I have to remember who I am and why I started this blog in the first place!
Like the amazing phoenix, I am a bird. A bird on fire. The fire of life!!! I want to rise from the flames of the bad things that have "happened" in my life and not let the flames engulf me with their bad karma. I am going to become the woman I have always dreamed of becoming, like an oak tree, growing from an acorn! I am going to drift on this river of life, and not allow the droplets of other people's bad thoughts get me so wet. I want to dip my oar into the shallow waves of the people who support me, and use them to push off of as I take this journey of self-discovery! Like the innocent new fish that hatch beneath the waves, I am going to swim along and avoid the "big mouths" that surround me and try to take bites out of me.
Today, to help myself get out of this bad feeling I have, I am going to go to Target and buy all new cookware. I am going to learn how to make cupcakes. I'm starting with a box recipe, because I'm not a very good cook, and I don't want to mess it up. I think I just have to add milk and eggs or something. Then I'm going to frost them all and sit down on my porch and eat them with all of the excitement and enjoyment that I can think of. And a big glass of milk.
Each day, I'm going to force myself to do something like that so that I come out of my shell, the shell of my discontent. Then I will "awaken" inside and not be so afraid anymore.
As for commenters, you can support me or not. But I would like it if you must comment on my blog, you keep it "clean" and also don't be mean. I don't have time to be made wet by you, I have a life to live here. But say whatever you want, because you can't hurt me. I am a roaring woman, roaring too loud to hear you.
Thanks for coming by!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
I'm very close with my family, though I don't speak of them often.
Here's a picture of me being carried by my older sister Phuong Qui in our old home in Cu Da. I am 7 months old. Qui is almost 60 and lives in Phoenix with her two adopted daughters and a bird named Moo.
Here I am with my grandmother (Popo) and parents, about 9-10 years ago. My Popo died about a year after this photo was taken. My parents are both still alive but my father is very ill with emphysema and a mysterious neurological disorder, possibly caused by some sort of poison that he was exposed to as a young man.
Here I am with my boyfriend and third cousin Cao, also about 9-10 years ago. He died of a massive hemorrhage after oral surgery in 2004.