Confession. I have to tell. Or I will go crazi(er).

All this time I've been trying to grow spiritually and get in touch with the insides of my womanhood, but really what I feel is that I am carrying a giant secret around. It is locked up inside me and it is writhing around like a giant snake inside my pants. An enormous trouser snake, just coiled around me so I can't breathe and threatening to bite the life out of me.

I have to share it or I will go mad!

Long ago I fell in love, I fell so hard. his name was Cao, and he was my third cousin. We weren't technically related, because he was my mom's niece by marriage's son, except by chance both his parents were related to my mom by blood, so I guess technically he & I shared some bodily fluids. But not enough to matter by law or anything, only maybe if we had kids. But that will never happen, because he died.

I killed him.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Technically, I didn't actually take his life, but I was an accomplish. You see, I never liked his teeth. Ever since he left Viet Nam he had such bad teeth; many of them had fallen out and he just had cavity after cavity. The front looked fine, but except for 4-5 teeth on the top and bottom, from there on back it was a black mess. He was so handsome and fit and we were such a happy couple (see picture here). I loved him. I was very attracted to him, except I didn't really want his mouth near me too much, because his teeth sort of smelled. I feel so bad saying that! Because I really did love him! I just felt he needed some help. And his mouth was ugly.

So I convinced him to get his teeth fixed, and one dentist visit turned into another and soon he was scheduled for pretty major procedures. He went into oral surgery one day and never came out. He suffered a massive hemorrhage and organ failure and died on the table. As it turned out, his liver really couldn't handle surgery like that. This was in 2004.

I never told a soul that I was actually responsible. Because I didn't really want his teeth fixed for his own health, it was my own vanity.

Do you see now why I walk around like an empty shell? What sort of woman puts her vain needs above a man's life?

How can I ever look at myself in the mirror, knowing that what mattered most to me was that people might think I was gross for loving someone with bad teeth?!?!?!?!

I beg God for forgiveness, but since I don't actually really believe in God, I guess he isn't going to ease my pain. I just wish I could forgive myself.

Strangely, I feel better just saying the words aloud.

I killed a man. I killed a man I loved, because I thought his smile was scary.

Yup, that's who's blog your reading.

Haiku

I lie to save face;
Hate both myself for the lie,
and the lie itself.






Tomorrow I have to confess something, but I am afraid to do it. Afraid of what it might mean. But I will never get better unless I unload this dark serpent from my spirit hole.

I need to "get over my hangups".

Part of my journey into my womanhood is learning to get over the fear of my own body. I think my fear stems from the upbringing of my culture and that I always was subservient to the wishes of my Popo and my Pipi when I lived with them. These would be my grandparents. Whatever Pipi wanted, Popo and I would do. Then Popo would boss me around as a way of feeling better about her own self. Who did I boss around? the dustrag and a can of Pledge. Sometimes a dishrag, just to mix it up.

When I got my first period, I thought I was dying and I went to the school nurse in hysterics. She couldn't calm me down so I was taken to the emergency room and given a Lorazipam. Later she gave me this book so that I could learn about the changes my body was going through. I was a late bloomer, so it may have looked a little strange to be reading about my body at age 16, but I didn't care, it was fascinating! I still have the book and have been reading it a lot lately.

When I got together with Cao, we tried some of the different things that men and women try to do together using their bodies. We had a lot of fun, but it was never as "great" for me as it said in the book. Some time I will tell the story of Cao and the things we did. If I ever fall in love again, I would like to try those things again. But I don't know how that is going to happen; I don't have any more male cousins and I sure as heck arent' doing that with the girls!!!

Yesterday I got a mirror and spent about 20 minutes looking at my vulva. I have never done that before! I had the book open to the page where there is a diagram. I learned the names of all the parts and then quizzed myself. It was fun and informative! Except that afterwards, my hip joints hurt from sitting like that so I had to get in the tub.

Thanks for all your advice!