I need to "get over my hangups".

Part of my journey into my womanhood is learning to get over the fear of my own body. I think my fear stems from the upbringing of my culture and that I always was subservient to the wishes of my Popo and my Pipi when I lived with them. These would be my grandparents. Whatever Pipi wanted, Popo and I would do. Then Popo would boss me around as a way of feeling better about her own self. Who did I boss around? the dustrag and a can of Pledge. Sometimes a dishrag, just to mix it up.

When I got my first period, I thought I was dying and I went to the school nurse in hysterics. She couldn't calm me down so I was taken to the emergency room and given a Lorazipam. Later she gave me this book so that I could learn about the changes my body was going through. I was a late bloomer, so it may have looked a little strange to be reading about my body at age 16, but I didn't care, it was fascinating! I still have the book and have been reading it a lot lately.

When I got together with Cao, we tried some of the different things that men and women try to do together using their bodies. We had a lot of fun, but it was never as "great" for me as it said in the book. Some time I will tell the story of Cao and the things we did. If I ever fall in love again, I would like to try those things again. But I don't know how that is going to happen; I don't have any more male cousins and I sure as heck arent' doing that with the girls!!!

Yesterday I got a mirror and spent about 20 minutes looking at my vulva. I have never done that before! I had the book open to the page where there is a diagram. I learned the names of all the parts and then quizzed myself. It was fun and informative! Except that afterwards, my hip joints hurt from sitting like that so I had to get in the tub.

Thanks for all your advice!