Confession. I have to tell. Or I will go crazi(er).

All this time I've been trying to grow spiritually and get in touch with the insides of my womanhood, but really what I feel is that I am carrying a giant secret around. It is locked up inside me and it is writhing around like a giant snake inside my pants. An enormous trouser snake, just coiled around me so I can't breathe and threatening to bite the life out of me.

I have to share it or I will go mad!

Long ago I fell in love, I fell so hard. his name was Cao, and he was my third cousin. We weren't technically related, because he was my mom's niece by marriage's son, except by chance both his parents were related to my mom by blood, so I guess technically he & I shared some bodily fluids. But not enough to matter by law or anything, only maybe if we had kids. But that will never happen, because he died.

I killed him.

Just let that sink in for a minute.

Technically, I didn't actually take his life, but I was an accomplish. You see, I never liked his teeth. Ever since he left Viet Nam he had such bad teeth; many of them had fallen out and he just had cavity after cavity. The front looked fine, but except for 4-5 teeth on the top and bottom, from there on back it was a black mess. He was so handsome and fit and we were such a happy couple (see picture here). I loved him. I was very attracted to him, except I didn't really want his mouth near me too much, because his teeth sort of smelled. I feel so bad saying that! Because I really did love him! I just felt he needed some help. And his mouth was ugly.

So I convinced him to get his teeth fixed, and one dentist visit turned into another and soon he was scheduled for pretty major procedures. He went into oral surgery one day and never came out. He suffered a massive hemorrhage and organ failure and died on the table. As it turned out, his liver really couldn't handle surgery like that. This was in 2004.

I never told a soul that I was actually responsible. Because I didn't really want his teeth fixed for his own health, it was my own vanity.

Do you see now why I walk around like an empty shell? What sort of woman puts her vain needs above a man's life?

How can I ever look at myself in the mirror, knowing that what mattered most to me was that people might think I was gross for loving someone with bad teeth?!?!?!?!

I beg God for forgiveness, but since I don't actually really believe in God, I guess he isn't going to ease my pain. I just wish I could forgive myself.

Strangely, I feel better just saying the words aloud.

I killed a man. I killed a man I loved, because I thought his smile was scary.

Yup, that's who's blog your reading.

Haiku

I lie to save face;
Hate both myself for the lie,
and the lie itself.






Tomorrow I have to confess something, but I am afraid to do it. Afraid of what it might mean. But I will never get better unless I unload this dark serpent from my spirit hole.

Om shanti

I've been pretty unhappy with the way my clown business is going, and I am stressed out at work so I have been devoting all my free time to my yoga practice. I can't deal with anything right now. I think I am headed for a major spiritual crisis if I don't find a path that works for me pretty soon. I keep looking for joy outside myself, but I am starting to realize it must come from within. But what if my within is empty?

Mistakes were made.

Well, that didn't go so good. When I got to my cousin's, I was in full clown costume and I had my Spin Art all ready to go. Wouldn't you know it, 4 of the kids were extremely scared of clowns! It was a giant cry-fest for like 3 hours. I have never seen so much screaming and pants-peeing in my life. There I was, honking my little horn and trying to get the kids' faces painted, and every few minutes another little kid would go shrieking off to find their mothers. It was a catastrophe!

I guess my question would be, how do I ease kids into clownage? Because I am not giving up on this dream!

Also, I found an angry clown who could use some help. I need to cheer him up!

I still haven't found a good name yet, so I have been using Lulu the Lighthearted Clown. I think it pretty much sucks as a name.

I did practice some balloon animals, and here is one of my successes:


Keep your fingers crossed for my new career!